Life is Funny

Most have us have seen the standard buffet All-You-Can-Eat restaurants. Many people like buffets because it means that you can choose your own plate, eat until your heart is content, and come back for “seconds” of the good stuff if you like.

The whole concept is decent, based on the fact that:

a) You have some say on what is served to you, based on the look of the food item

b) You can choose how little or much you want of the food items available

c) You can keep coming back for more as long as you are still hungry

d) The buffet / All-You-Can-Eat price is generally affordable… Less than $20 per person.

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From the restaurant owner’s perspective, this is a very dangerous game. Yes, some people will definately eat much less than the buffet price. However, those people who are (for the sake of argument) say “pigs” who overload their plates, eat until their stomaches are stretched to the max, and even waste food unnecessarily… ruin the business plan completely.

There have been even some fraternity initiations that have taken place at all-you-can-eat buffets, where the business proprietor has had to foot the bill, simply by having to live up to his advertised offering.

Since this has turned into more “the restaurant gives, and the customer takes” scenario, many buffet / smorgasbord owners will deliberately do things like:

a) Water down sauces

b) Re-heat and re-serve expired food

c) Over deep fry, and serve over-breaded items, since they expand in your stomach

d) Sprinkle MSG over almost everything (Monosodium glutamate) to which is officially known as a flavor enhancing drug, to make foods taste better

e) Serve the cheapest of meats, instead of expensive chicken breasts or wings, serve drumsticks or theighs, etc.

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Now while all this is going on, between restaurant owner and clientel, I have a major complaint:

People who stand in a buffet line, put food on their plate, and rather than wait 5 minutes, they begin eating right there, sampling food from their plate while they wait to get to the next dish.

I want to ask these people… Is there a reason why you must eat, right there in the buffet line, rather than wait 3 or 4 minutes for you to return to your table?

Why do you feel so comfortable chowing down right infront of me, with your fingers, with no cutlery whatsoever? Smacking your chops, eating with your mouth open, acting as if you are home, in your own kitchen?

This is a public place dammit. Have the decency to return to your own table. Sit down, put a napkin over your lap, and eat privately at your own table.

I really don’t want to see how impatient you are, that you must feel comfortable standing in a buffet line slopping down food, because you are so desperate to eat, you don’t care who is watching you..

People who sample food, or eat food while standing infront of a sneeze guard at a buffet line discust me. They are acting very informal, behaving in a childish manner, and show they have no patience or regard for the public setting they are actually in..

Let’s get away from food for a moment… To reillustrate this point.

Let’s say, you are out in the country. You’re by yourself, and you have a flatulence issue where you feel the need to “fart”. No one is around, you’re alone. So you let it your body’s internal gases release.

At the same time, if you were sitting at a table in a public restaurant, would you feel the same urge to publically fart and let your flatulence arise in public without excusing yourself to the restroom?

No?

Then why is it ok, to publically act like the restaurant is your own kitchen and dining room, where manners mean nothing? Is it really that impossible to load your plate of food and return to your table before you start chowing down?

I find it extremely disrespectful to those around you, to stand in a buffet line, and sample food from your plate, with your fingers, smacking your lips, acting like you are at home.

You are NOT at home, and this is not your own place. Stop acting like a pig, and pick up some manners… It is completely rude to eat before you return to your table.

Is it just me, or should we all act like we’re all standing at home, and no respect of formality should be taken when we are in public?

Ever sit in a restaurant, look over, and you see someone staring you, or the people you are with? Often it is an older couple, usually in their late 50’s, mid-60’s. They sit right next to each other, so they can have the same viewing angle.

These people watch people walk into the restaurant, they watch how people behave, they watch walk towards the watchroom. They just take in the scenery together. They NEVER talk to each other other than in the form of a quiet whisper and a slight nod towards whoever they happen to be talking about.

It’s the busy body disease. These people are have such shallow souls that they need to judge each and every person they see in a public place in order to feel better about themselves.

You can almost hear what they’re talking about…

“Oh, look at what she ordered! My god, she’s not going to eat all that is she?”

“Look at the small tear in that guys shirt? Do you think he knows it?”

“Hey, see the guy sitting next to the lady we just talked about? Look how dirty his shoes are! Isn’t that discusting?”

“Oh no, look at this guy, he looks like he won’t be able to afford his dinner. I wonder what he’s going to order”

“Look at that mother, why doesn’t she stop her 2 year old from fussing like that?”

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People, they created dinner theaters for a reason. If you want to be entertained, do it at a dinner theatre. Don’t make the general public your personal clowns. We’re here to enjoy our dinner, and you make it very difficult when everytime we lookup from our plate, we see your ugly face staring..

I find that couples who cannot chit chat among themselves, have very dull dreary marriages, and they depend on getting out in public and watching and judging everyday people to take away their boredom.

Usually I will just disregard and ignore them. However in extreme cases where you look up at the person, and stare back, and they are so secure into their own comfort zone that they do not shyly look away for a second.. It is these aggressive starers that I hate the most.

These are the ones that aren’t still judging you, but have passed judgement on you, and they think they are better than you. You look back, and they’re not afraid. After all “you” are the freak in their mind. How dare you stare backat us?

Well when that does not work, I will often approach these insecure, shallow people, and I’ll start up a conversation. Sometimes I’ll start with “do I know you? I notice you’ve been staring at our table a lot tonight, so perhaps we know each other?”

It usually takes them about 5 seconds for their fixed glaze to wear off, and then to immediately begin to think “uhn, no! I’m uhh, no I don’t know you”. You can see the surprise on their face when they switch from stare, to shock.

Now you’ve called them out. Now they are no longer in their comfort zone. Now the spotlight has shifted from you to them, and they NEVER want to be in the spotlight. They hate this so much. Usually that does the trick.

Now everytime you look up, they will look away, or they simply will not look at you again. They are so afraid you are going to walk over and catch them in a conversation again. They want to be the audience, but not part of the act. By dragging them into your world, you make them a part of you, which they never want. They want disassociation, prejudgement, and the feeling of being an elitist. How can they do that while you are speaking with them?

The problem with these people, is that the next time they go out to dinner, they’ll do it again. They’ve turned their staring habit into such a routine, that they can barely eat without starting and judging someone. They’ve done it so many times that they can’t stop themselves.

It is rude to stare. It is socially unacceptable to stare. Staring is threatening to the person who is being stared at. In the animal kingdom, staring often happens just before an attack.

It is natural for staring to be an act of hostility towards you and it should not be tolerated!

Two days ago the Orthodontist has their automated dialer call saying my 16 year old son has an appointment on Thursday at 2:30pm. I immediately write him a note to get out of class and bring it to his room. His girlfriend is laying in his bed with the covers up to her neck, my son is a little red faced, somewhat annoyed and embarrassed at the same time because I’m interrupting him. I hand him the note, and he says, I don’t need a note, I can just leave during 3rd block. I said well take the note anyway, just in case, throw it in your wallet - you never know. He insists the note is useless and there is no point to it.

I said well its my job as the parent to ensure you have the note, if you don’t want it, then what you do with it is up to you. I just recommend you keep it on you incase someone questions you while your leaving or later, etc. That same night we chat a bit about the appointment and I say, remember your appointment, and remember to keep the note somewhere on your body. He says “yeah” to shrug me off, and I drop it.

The next day, wouldn’t you know it that he calls me from school at 1:20pm all panic stricken. I’m at school and about to leave class for my appointment, and I can’t find the note anywhere. I need it.  My teacher says that If I leave without having my parent note it I’ll get a detention. Can you please call the school for me? So I call the school. Pretty interested how he fought me on taking the note in the first place, and then he calls all panicky when at school because he doesn’t have a note…

Keno use to be one of my most favourite games. It was easy enough to play, and you always “came close” to your number, giving you that false hope that your only a number or two a way from htting it big.

At a nearby casino, I examined their multiple keno game plays, all costing different amounts. I took home the card and did some research on the internet to find out what my best odds would be, for a certain dollar played in order to get a nice profit if I won.

I took a look at this Keno odds chart and I was very shocked to see certain combinations are extremely hard to hit.

For instance, if you bought a $5 Keno ticket, where you picked 6 numbers, and your payouts would be:

Match 6 numbers, win $6,000
match 5 numbers, win  $275
Match 4 numbers, win $35
Match 3 numbers, win $5
Match 2 numbers, win nothing
Match 1  number, win nothing

You might think, well, $5 isn’t too expensive if I can win $275, even $6,000!

Let’s look at your odds now:

Match 6 numbers, you have 0.1% chance of a win (Buy $38,755 worth (7,751 tickets x $5 ea) you are bound to win once)
Match 5 numbers, you have 0.3% chance of a win (Buy $1,610 worth (322 tickets x $5 ea) you are bound to win once)
Match 4 numbers, you have 2.8% chance of a win (Buy $170 worth (34 tickets x $5 ea) you are bound to win once)
Match 3 numbers, you have 12.9% chance of a win (Buy $35 worth ($7 tickets x $5 ea) you are bound to win once)
Match 2 numbers, win nothing, 31% chance
Match 1  number, win nothing, 36% chance
Match 0 numbers, win nothing, 16 chance

So those are your wonderful keno odds. Buy a $5 pick-6 ticket, and there is a 83% chance you will win absolutely nothing.

There is a 13% chance you will win your $5 ticket cost back.

That’s 96% of the time, you will either lose, or only win your money back.

This is why people go broke playing Keno. Lot of fun, isn’t it?

I recently met a very old lady who is 72 and she said for 15 years she worked in the customer service department at Walmart.

She said she dealt with a lot of customer complaints. Often customers would start getting very loud and obnoxious toward her, and she would cool them off by saying things like “oh, I agree with you. If I had any idea that they made the product like this, I wouldn’t have sold it to you myself”

That would usually crack a smile with the customer, and she’d process the refund.

One day a troubled woman came into the store, and said “I have to return these bed sheets I bought. They were suppose to be for my son, and it turns out that he can’t possibly use them”

Interested, the customer service clerk said “oh dear, why, what is wrong with them?”

The troubled woman replied “My son has severe allergies to flowers”, and then she pointed at the floral pattern printed on the sheets. These could be dangerous to him.

Now, I’m not sure if:

a) This actually happened

b) If this was her interpretation, and not what was exactly said

But I will tell you that this 72 year old lady shares this story often.

 Now, as a man, if the grass is uncut, I see that as obvious, and that it needs to be cut.

If I see a tree that is growing into the power lines, it needs to be pruned.

Finally if I  see dirty dishes in the sink, I know they must be cleaned.

A woman, on a bright sunny day sipping on a drink in the back  yard will look over and say “um, hun, do you really like that large decorative rock here? Wouldn’t it look better in that corner?”  She won’t rest until you move that 200 pound rock to the other corner.

After lounging around, you both walk toward the house, and she says “you know, I think the color of that door should be changed. Why don’t we paint it X color instead of what it is now?”

“Fine, you say, we’ll do that later”

You walk into the house and she goes into the living room, sits down, and turns on the TV. “Um, hun, can you help me move that big chair over to this corner? I hate moving it when we close the drapes. Oh, and by the way, I want to change those drapes and make them into blinds instead, we should do that soon”

Women can find work in strange places, and once they think of it, it never leaves their minds until it’s done. Why worry about such silly things? But the way their minds work is much different then that of their male counterparts.

Men want simple lives, are happy with simple things, and only need to take care of obvious things that stick out.

Women love detailed lives, are not happy until every last detail is taken care of, and need to take care of every last detail to temporarily be happy. When they finally reach that utopia of being happy, they immediately think they are missing “something”, and start inventing new details, and new things that have to be taken care of…

Life is funny that way.

“IF” you are on a dark country road, in the middle of no where, go ahead and use your highbeams with caution.

If you are on a highway where a car passes you every 30 seconds, TURN the friggen high beams off and leave them off! There is nothing worse than being on a dark windy mountain highway, while its raining, and  you have idiots with their highbeams stuck on who refuse to turn them off.

Maybe it makes them see where they are going, but while I’m on that 2 lane highway and totally blinded it is taking everything in my power to avoid hitting them head on.  This happens quite frequently, and I could never understand why people insist on leaving their highbeams on..

It isn’t being forgetful either. When your highbeams are on, you definately know it. Seeing a million feet infront of your car instead of the regular 150 feet is easy to spot.

I think its all chocked up to the a*hole effect. They don’t care, as long as they can see, who cares how rude it is…

Well one day they are going to blind the wrong oncoming driver, and they’ll get what they have created.

Ok, this was a weird day. I’m at the meat counter of the grocery store, and this guy storms past me. The first person he resembled to me was Stephen King, but a bit taller and thinner, without glasses. He has such an angry crazed look on his face, I couldn’t help but stand and watch him for a second.

He is carrying a black polyester bag that is about the size of a single math text book. He pulls out two meat packages and throws them onto the meat display shelves and storms immediately away without looking back.

I’m curious, wondering what would make this guy so upset? Couldn’t he afford to buy these? What is up?

I walk over and examine the two things he left behind. They are two packages with NO price sticker on them. They look like he’s wrapped them himself. Inside is a lot of fatty tissue, almost looks human in a way.

I stare in disbelief and thoughts start going through my mind, is this some sort of serial killer or cannibal that has killed someone, and in his strange twisted way wants to display some of the meat of his victim in a grocery store?

I call the manager over, and explain what happened. He examines the meat, and says “yeah, its probably some guy that is upset on how much fat he got in his cut of meat and decided to return it to us, thanks..” and he takes them away and throws them out.

I shrug it off and continue browsing the meat shelves. Upon further inspection I see that there are 5 other packages like this, tucked inbehind some of the roasts. Those ones look to be a day or two old and not very fresh.

Is this what this guy does? Buys meat, takes it home, re-trims eat, eats it, and brings back whatever fat is left over back to the grocery store to send a “message” to the store’s butcher?

To top it all off, that special black polyester bag looks like he shopped around and bought it for this particular purpose.

Now what’s worse? This freaky guy, the sloppy butcher, me for telling you this story, or you for listening?